The Hitchhikers Guide To Random Stuff!
by thebooklord
Summary: So. It's been some five long years since I wrote this. It's funny to see how I've changed and I haven't changed and I've changed again. So it goes. Maybe I'll come back and do some more entries.. the new Shade and Honey sidebyside with the child.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know it's been done a thousand million times before, but here goes…

( Ideas would be nice.) Chapter 2 is up!

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Random Stuff

Entry ID: 1254256790: Newspapers.

Newspapers are a, widely obsolete, method of getting information. Even on primitive worlds, the newspaper has been replaced by the tri-d TV, but on three backwards worlds the term newspaper is still used.

The first is a small planet in the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy called Earth.

Theirs are made out of 'paper' , a very backwards version of ultra-megilon writing implement. It is made from trees.

The second is a planet called poofle. The Poofle Shnucks, who live on poofle, have always failed to make any advance, simply because they are terribly pessimistic. The entire population would empty a glass of Jynnan tonix just to prove the glass is not only half empty, but fully empty.

Their main advance in life was to create the newspaper, as a way of stating every single possible bad thing that could happen. Luckily, they can never spread their misery, because they forgot to develop food. Unluckily, they breed before they die, so their race will last until Milliways closes.

Entry ID: 1290874555930167843209: Ties 

Ties, on most planets have been banned. The story has been mostly lost in the mists, hail and rain of time. But here is an 87.986 truthful account.

On the planet Poofle, the highly pessimistic Shnucks were at a meeting. The president of the galactic happiness patrol was about to give a speech, which, if delivered, would change their race forever. A great hush followed.

" My… My…" The president turned blue.

" MY TIE IS ON TOO TIGHT!" He cried with a last effort. He then died in a puff of improbability.

The poofle Shnucks then had a revolutionary idea. There would be nothing to be pessimistic out if they destroyed it all. And so they began on their rampage( although most of them thought it could never work) and wiped out so much that they have only been matched by the Krikkit Wars.

Their rampage was ended, because they realized that they had to destroy themselves as well.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I know it's been done a thousand million times before, but here goes…

This is the second chapter, as I have decided to continue it.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Random Stuff

Entry Id No: 3 ( The third most important thing in the guide)

Alcohol.

It is known by almost every planet that 'teasers' don't 'buzz' that the best drink in the universe is , of course, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. It's not worth going into it now, as it has two whole chapters to itself. Let me say this about it. It's not for the faint-hearted. The effects of a well-mixed Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster are similar to having your brain smashed out by a lemon wrapped around a gold brick.

It takes most sentient beings a whole year to recuperate from one glassful.

It is also well known that the most popular drink is Jynnan tonix or Gin an toniques. There are many versions that all taste different but are called basically the same thing.

The weakest has been so badly criticised that its name has become a curse word, almost as bad as a word beginning with be and ending with lgium. The strongest has been the cause of the largest bar tabs and the most use of the words 'credit' and ' arghh' in conjunction.

There are many odd drinks in the galaxy, so we shall go over some of the more odd.

The first, the Garlang Maker is very used by people, aliens and small furry ameboids who appear in Playbeing because it makes you (temporarily) very attractive. This is only in Females however. In males it does nothing at all.

Another very odd one is Grittish Mass. This drink is very popular with those on the planet Daborgaman. The Daborgs ( as the call themselves) are all amazingly anorexic. They refuse to eat anything and spend all day drinking this drink. Its effects are these:

It makes the drinker feel full and it nourishes their every need.

That is why it is so popular.

There are many more things to say about alcohol. For more information, check chapters 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9, 10-20 inclusive, and most of the rest of the book.

Entry Id 673746372: Traffic Cones.

Traffic cones have been voted some of the most despised things in the galaxy. This is because of the galaxy's first president, T. Raffic Cone. He demanded a new invention to control the traffic on roads and in airways. Instead of telling everyone to drive more safely, or more dangerously in the case of the B Ring inhabitants, he took the stupid and despised idea and made small cones that jumped out and yelled at people that they were driving TOO FAST, SO PLEASE STOP NOW AND TAKE A 5000 ALTARIAN DOLLAR FINE before smashing through their windscreens and bombarding them with small mauve cones. The president was assassinated but the traffic cones stayed in place, as it had been a dying wish and in most galactic societies, they must be grudgingly accepted. There is more on Traffic Cones and what machines can prevent you from encountering them in chapter 224352.

Entry Id 978748378695874: Earth 

Mostly Harmless.


	3. Chapter 3

The Hitchhikers Guide to Random Stuff!

Part 3 Entry ID 3278487538: Bathtubs 

The bathtub is a extremely primitive method of becoming clean, for those beings who feel the need for hygiene. They are only well known because of the Bathtub Battles, a horrific war between two planets. Luckily it was confined to those two planets, or it would still be raging today.

The planet Mangatoon was locked in a dreadful combat with the planet Soapopera. They had completely different ideas, but mostly, and most importantly, they both loved and hated bathtubs. The people of Soapopera all agreed that being clean was the greater good. The people of Mangatoon resented this, because they smell more than the buckets of Hyena Offal that the Pogril people permanently talk about.

So they engaged in a terrible, but largely unnoticed war. Nobody cared until many ships failed to move from the pure pong of perfumes and stink combined made many of them ill. They Galactic Empire agreed that enough was enough, and decided that they wanted to put the proverbial foot down. Diverting their attention from a huge swarm of endless Lintillas, they made sure that the two countries exchanged a gift of peace. The Soapopera people sent over a present: A huge bathtub. The Mangatoons also sent a gift: A gigantic container of hyena offal. The two planets warred some more, and it looked like all hope had been lost when a young person came up with a highly expensive solution.

The planet Mangatoon was dragged through a wormhole, and sent to the opposite arm of the galaxy. When asked who would pay, the person promptly swallowed a grenade.

As some small way of remembrance, the two planets both kept each other's gifts. The king of Mangatoon often relaxes in his bathtub, and the head of Soapopera, Corrie Nation Street, always begins her day with a bath in her wonderful hyena offal.

Entry ID No 11483758937957987: The Endless Army Of Lintillas. 

One of the Infinite problems we are faced with is what to do with, possibly infinite in number, Lintilla. Lintilla was a generally nice archaeologist, whom had been put into a cloning machine to make seven copies of her. Unfortunately, the machine malfunctioned, beginning a new Lintilla when it was halfway through creating the one before it, so no one could turn it off without murdering someone. Oddly, one of the Lintillas, the 20435352nd, turned it off out of spite. She said that she didn't like having someone exactly like her. But the other 20435351 didn't agree. They gathered themselves together, and decided they could all make a profit. They set up a company, Lintilla Unlimited (Limited). Now they roam the galaxy, getting every job they can so that they can make loads of Flainian Poggle beads, Altarian dollars and even 6 ningis. They are still trying to find space for a seventh. So if a nice Lintilla asks you to give her a job, run away, very fast.

Entry Id 448678: Zaphod Beeblebrox 

Well, Zaphod's just this guy, you know?


	4. Chapter 4

The Hitchhikers Guide to Random Stuff

Chapter 4 

A/N: Thanks for the Beatles Entry Idea, (forgot the name) but thanks very much!

Entry ID 350615: The Beatles.

As is widely known, the classical music industry of the galaxy was extremely poor. Voted twenty times the second most useless thing in the galaxy in Play being magazine (the most useless being the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation (excluding the complaints department.).) Until one day, something extremely interesting happened. In the far future, the Planet Earth exploded. Thousands of shards were blasted into all corners of the universe, and, by some weird, crazy coincidence, a time capsule that hadn't been found blasted into the site of the restaurant at the end of the universe (Milliways). It fell directly through the window of Quillet Nangaze's ship, the Cracker.

Quillet was a gambler, and he decided that maybe he could scrape some value out of the time capsule. He found tapes of a band called ' The Beatles'.

He finally found a device old enough, and played some of the tapes. He was mesmerized. They were simply the best. Since then, they have been sold, translated, made Most Popular Dead Band in the galaxy and even plagarized. One of their most popular songs is ' Strawberry Fields Forever' or in the case of the Shaltanags, ' Mauve-y Pinky Russet Shades of Fields forever'.

These are now available at all good book stores.

Entry ID: 274872389754386894876098978085068807098506987 (very recent): The Nutrimatic Machine's Origins.

The Nutrimatic Machine has been discovered to have originated from a prank. A rich boy invested in a tramp's idea, which he promised would analyze the subjects taste buds and more, and give them exactly what they wanted to drink. The tramp built a load of trashy machines and kept the spare money. The machine would always disperse a cup of what was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea (Acturan Mega-chip grease).

By another of the Mind boggling coincidences that are threatening to consume the galaxy, he liked it and sold millions of machines all around the galaxy. He is now in hiding somewhere in the horsehead nebula. The machines, however, cannot see why. Their lack of eyes may have something to do with it.


	5. Chapter 5

The Hitchhikers Guide to Random stuff

Part 5

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Thanks for the star wars idea.

For those who care, this is slightly longer than the rest of the chapters.

Entry ID 13325235436534: Automatic Pencil Sharpeners

One of the many things that people have decided to outlaw on their various planets is the Automatic pencil sharpner. The reason is simple. To tell you, imagine that you go back 5,000 million years in a time capsule. Then imagine that a small dog shaped creature travels forward in time to witness these events.

Many years ago there was another terrible war. Wars are numerous almost everywhere in the known universe, but this one was particularly nasty. The two sides had been locked in stalemate for hundreds and hundreds of years, until one side was met by a time traveller from the future who would, many years later, travel back in time to them to tell them how to make a time machine, using future technology, then sent a person who would be dead in the future to go back and wipe out the other side, an act of genocide. The reasons he did this are unclear, but neurologists from the future think he travelled to the past in order to get the race to travel in the past so that things would be a lot better for him in the future, or his present.

At that very moment, as the time machine was travelling, a peace treaty had been agreed on. This was a maxi-megilon peace treaty, beaming the news of peace into the brains of the warring race or races. However, they decided to sign it using primitive writing implements, I.E pencils. The time traveller, however, had gone back to the past in order to wipe out the opposition, when he found a small race of very primitive sea slugs, which would evolve to be his opponents. He primed his Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol and aimed.

Meanwhile, the second president was just about to sign the peace treaty when his pencil, Unfortunatley of course, snapped. Luckily (he thought) he had a pencil-O-Matic, which should have sharpened his pencil. However, when he slid the pencil in, the machine immediately sharpened it to such a degree that the led snapped. He tried again and again, but did not succeed. Before someone thought of lending him a biro, the time traveller commited genocide and killed 5,000,000,000 ant-moose hybrids.

Thus, automatic pencil sharpeners have been banned from that day onwards.

Entry ID 32543573764332345: Star Wars

A Long, Long Time ago, In a Galaxy Far Far away, someone was eating peanuts that used to belong to a certain Darth Vader.

Meanwhile, yesterday afternoon in our galaxy, someone who was searching for those peanuts found a history sheet of wars which were fought a long long time ago in this galaxy, between the Jedi and the Sith. They fought with extremely primitive yet powerful weapons called lightsabers, a impossible idea involving light being able to slice through nearly anything. An added interview said that the lightsabers simply stopped time around them while the owners found a good rusty sword to cut through the wood, metal droidskin, R2-D2's eyestalk or Anakin Skywalker's Legs, or whatever else they were chopping. They would then throw the sword away and turn time back on.

The mysterious thing was that it turned out that the Sith were weaklings who were almost instantly crushed. However, the (much stronger) Campaign For Real Time allied with them, and together, without any Jedi discovering, they built robots and fake figureheads to do the fighting for them. Their greatest success was when they replaced one Anakin Skywalker with a cleverly made fake. They slaughtered nearly all the Jedi. However, one remained, who then died when a huge piggy-bank fell on his head.

However (again) the Jedi had only written fictitious records claiming that they won. Every person who is not a fan of these stories is now trying to convince them that this is not so. However, they will only accept written proof from a Sith Lord, so those people who were bothered and had nothing better to do went out in search of Darth Vader's peanuts, on which he had written the true tale. Their quest was in vain, however, as they were eaten by a very lost blue furry creature from Alpha Centurai.


	6. Chapter 6

The Hitch Hikers Guide to Random Stuff

Part 6 

A/N: Sorry about the wait!

Entry ID: 5434235452211378909000: Lampshades 

Lampshades are now one of the many , many implements which are now banned. For a full list, you can visit the official planet where the list is kept. Considering 90 of the planet is covered by the list, this is surprising.

The Lampshade was banned for a simple reason, yet even mentioning it is almost taboo.

Many years ago, there was a dramatic meeting of presidents. One of these was a traitor to the Galactic Government, though only one person knew which one. His name is not important, or so he would say, though he was later proved to be wrong by Prak, as there was someone inside his head noting down everything he said. He was told to point at the traitor, thanks to a lack of Babel fish.

At that moment, a supporter of the traitor threw a lampshade at the man's head. He then grabbed several out of a bag and covered everyone present's eyes. While they were confused, he took the traitor away and cleverly arranged the line so no one would notice.

When the court had realized what had happened, they simply went on with their ceremony. One of them began to remove the lampshade on his head, one beautifully emblazoned with a cricket (or Krikkit) bat.

However, the traitor made his last malicious move.

" Justice should be blind!"

He then ran out of the door and had his brains bashed out by a copy of the Sirius Cybernetics Frequently Asked Questions Book, a book over 3,000 pages long which answers most questions with ' Go stick your head in a pig.'

In the court, a Danish Chopped Sausage pointed to the wrong person, leading to a series of Galactic Wars, which ended when they all went home for Fish Sticks.

Entry ID 11294954093905439332: The Lollipop Guild

The Lollipop Guild is a recently discovered race of pacifists. Like nearly all races of pacifists, such as the Fistfuls, they had been quashed for so long that they were slowly driven to immoral, insane creatures. Eventually, like so many other moral races before them, including (but not limited to) the Krikkiters, they decided that warring with the rest of the galaxy would be a good idea. Unlike Krikkiters, they had a special technology to help them. They could shrink down to the size of a molecule.

So they travelled the time waves, with their huge lollipops ready to smash their opponents into Dictator Come. When they got to their destination, they planted some of their number in an infamous man called Prak's brain. They noted down the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the truth, then killed Prak and leaped out of his ears. They then tried to escape the heart of gold, but were crushed by Arthur Dent. The rest of them tried to get their vengeance by shrinking themselves and tried to invade his body, but they were foiled by bacteria (a/n: War of the Worlds, anyone?) when Arthur sneezed and killed all but one. That one then earned a fortune from the interviews, and eventually appeared on play being's Tri-d TV channel. His other star appearances include the Sirius Cybernetics Troubleshooting channel, watched by many who have had one too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

(A/N: This is a little bonus part, not that good but it came into my head while I was typing this Author's Note.)

Entry ID : 20974983759825039275837637867: The Planet Orwell 

There is a planet in the western spiral arm of the Galaxy, (a place which has had a record breaking 42,403,259,860,934,287,673,376,042,061,942 insane and probably impossible coincidences to date) where it seems to have been manipulated by a totally insane madman. These crazy happenings include a part of the planet with an odd dictator called ' Big Brother', who appears on one very primitive version of a two-way videophone, manipulating a civilization into believing some atrocious and almost entirely rubbished facts, such as two plus two equalling five instead of forty-two, as it must. Another land is a huge farm, where animals are ruling, as opposed to recommending various parts of their anatomy to be eaten by people who want to meet the meat. One is even named after a madman who decided to bungee jump of a cliff without the bungee, though he was the owner of a fortune to rival that of Playbeing's owner. We advise everyone to leave such a planet, or be subjected to room 101.

A/N: If you haven't read any George Orwell ( Animal Farm and 1984 especially) you won't have a clue about the humour. But never mind.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks again to LandUnderWave, and me of course.

The Hitch Hikers Guide to Random Stuff

Part Seven Entry ID 768098309530-903965-9397: Scotch Eggs 

Scotch eggs, thought by many to be a desirable treat, actually had a sinister beginning. The race of Scotia began to collect art. They collected so much art, their gallery would make a grown man weep. And that was not only because they were slicing onions next door. You see, the Scotia were also very good cooks, almost as good as the Dentrassi. They made money which they used to buy paintings. It was all wonderful and blissful in their little world, but outside there were plenty of jealous money collectors ( an odd little race of people who were taking up more and more planets in their vain attempts to collect a Pu) and of course, art collectors. You may imagine at this point there would be a huge interplanetary war, but the allied Money And Painting ( MAP) people were a lot smarter than that- they had got A's in their Sabotage Alpha class.

One brilliant young member of MAP decided to simply invite them to a cooking competition. He sent an invitation for them to taste each other's food. Now, as the Scotia were also very smart, they came up with a plan. And so they day arrived.

There were grand golden platters, fish swimming, and of course all of the best paintings the Scotia had collected in their Great Gallery were prepared. And when the MAP people arrived, they sniggered and laughed out loud at their evil plan to kill all the Scotia. Meanwhile, the Scotia were marvelling at their wonderful plan to destroy all of the people at MAP. So the Babel Fish took naps inside ears, and the dishes were unveiled.

At the MAP table, a thousand and forty-two Money collectors and painting persons, frogs, amoeboid and small blue furry creatures from Alpha Centurai, (who travel across the galaxy more than the red ones gave them credit for) discovered a terrible sight. They had been given an odd ball covered in breadcrumbs. They stared in horror, and then slowly ate them, so as not to break the rules of the Galactic Politeness Code.

As soon as their tongues came into contact with the inside of the breadcrumbs, the Scotch eggs exploded. They were ripped apart from the inside, which is generally very painful, and then causes death, which can be fatal.

On the Scotia table, a similar thing happened, except the grenades made a chain reaction which blasted the Map people, the Scotia and the paintings into the space time continuum. The fact that the Scotia didn't realize that even if their plan had succeeded, they would have blasted the entire population of their race into the space time continuum proves that the Galactic examiners were right in failing them for common sense when they were children.

Entry ID: 193809025240964840865075407897-8687: Petunias

Petunias are simply another protrusion into this world from the dimension where Brokian Ultra Cricket is played. Only a few are immune to its smell, and those few are dead or dying. You see, the petunia is a sick creation made by people in the higher dimensions who like to muck about with ours. The petunia is called the war flower for a simple reason. When they are smelt, they make the smeller(s) go completely power hungry and often drive them to war. So far, these have been kept to wars within races own planets, but many poor people are still having their strings tweaked by these evil flowers.

Thus, the Petunia Killers were formed. The PK people wanted to kill every petunia there has ever been, ever will be and is. So, they go round shooting flowers until they have burnt to a crisp. Eventually, due to all this flower power that they destroyed, they too inhaled the petunias maddening scent. They then went on a mad rampage until they realized that no one of their number actually had anything that could kill anyone, so they decided to give in and drink some tea capsules, newly rediscovered and one of the main reasons that the Nutrimatic machine went out of business, leaving a very annoyed Martian who liked the rubbish, who then turned his head into a bomb and blew up the planet Mars.


End file.
